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10 Epic Ways Every Assamese Must Respond To the Stupid Views People Have About Assam


Izaaz Ahmed
Managing Editor, Bordoisila

27th March, 2016


Assam has always had its own share of myth among many fellow Indians. Notions that are ludicrous and fanciful.Things sounding so creepy that you can’t help but fly into a rage. But, guys! Let’s not lose our cool. Instead, let’s pay them back in their own coin. Let’s nail it the Axomiya way!

1.Assamese people live in tree houses!

Hey man! That was a best-kept secret. How did you know it? Well, let me leak out something more to you then. The Assamese people hardly come down their tree houses. Because, our world floats in the air. From the floating air market to the ‘loo’ dangling in the air, you name it, and, we have it. Hey! Stop picturing now. I’m sure you must have watched Aladdin flying on his carpet. We do the same.


2.Assamese people don’t have proper communication skills!

Hell yes! We don’t. We hardly communicate with the outside world. Actually, we stay mute most of the times. So, you see, we never felt the need to fine-tune our skills. Why don’t you come over and teach us a thing or two? Don’t worry! We gonna start in sign-language! Deal?

 


3.Assamese people don’t watch Hindi movies!

Do we even have movies in Hindi? That’s more like a revelation, trust me. Wow! How amazing would it be! I’m so damn excited. Could you please send over a DVD right away? The wait seems eternal.


4.Assamese people have dogs’ meat for dinner and lunch!

Haven’t you had dog’s meat ever? Poor you! We, at Assam, make it a point to gorge on at least two dogs regularly. And, that’s exactly why you won’t find a single dog barking at you out here. To have a dog-free region has been our motto since inception.


5.Spotting a one-horned Rhino is as mundane as spotting a cow for any Assamese!

Spotting? You got to be kidding with me dude! What else do you think our mode of conveyance is? We ride Rhinos all the time. Every household is the proud owner of at least 4 of them.


6.People of Assam have to booze and puff weed compulsorily!

Feels good that you guys are doing such brilliant research on us. The liquor baron, Vijay Malya, survives on us completely. He has staged several protests and ‘dharnas’ in favor of ‘benefits of drinking alcohol’ and is moving heaven and earth just to make sure that the people out here don’t get sober, ever.


7.That the people out here run a risk of getting killed by terrorists after 6 p.m.!

Hush! Hush! Let me tell you a secret. The threat lurks no more as each one of us has been provided with Z level security by the Government.


8.The Assameset people idolize the west.

Okay! Fine! But, tell me something mate. Are you sure you don’t get green with envy over this fact, oh sorry! Myth?


9.Everyone from Assam is a tea planter!

How I wish your Myth turns into reality buddy. And, how I wish your ‘general gyaan’ were a tad better than the condition of a ‘general compartment’!


10.Education is a big mess in Assam!

My head bows in gratitude for empathizing with us. You know, we still have to cover several miles either on foot or on ‘Rhinos’ to reach our schools. Oh! My apologies! I didn’t mean schools but the ones where the headmaster sits on an elevated platform under a sprawling ‘Peepal tree’ and imparts lessons on life and death to the students seated below.

If you guys can’t get over with your senseless myth about Assam, we just can’t get over with our fantastic sense of sarcasm. What to do! We are insanely good at it. That’s a reality though, not a myth!


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